Late afternoon skies near my workplace

Searching for Silence

I recently received this text message from a friend:

when things get awfully tiring

seek for silence….

most of the times, the loudest lessons are found at the most quiet corners of our lives……

With our busy lives it is as if silence is a very rare thing nowadays. I have tried to find it for so long and it really has been awhile. Probably one can find it only in nature. So if I have a moment of silence I do look up in the sky and appreciate it, God’s handiwork just up there and we have been ignoring it for so many times.

Falling in Love again

Yes its the sweetest thing in the world. Getting engaged to someone you love. But before all that happens the two of you should fall in love again. I broke up with my first girlfriend about two years ago. It was hard. After being together for so long, about 3 years, I just said “its enough, I cant stand it”. Relationship at first are good. You cant wait for the time that you can call or see her. Weekends for me are always a date with her. And as relationship progresses each of you begin to trust each other allowing things to happen between you. It happen to us and as normal couples we are always sweet. She clinging her hand around my hand and mine to hers. But it all faded because of so many factors. We begin to argue on important things until the time that even small things become big deal. She breaks with me and then calls me and me being so in love to her would just be there for her. But time will always come when a man has to throw the towel. After all the sacrifices and all the best I could do to save what we have I gave up. I begin to count the times she broke up to me and I begin to measure things if she truly love me she wont have done this and that….I begin to point out things that I never like….and as we all know thing begin to sour….she calling me to come back because she cant take the pain of me breaking up with her. I have to because I believe it is the best for us. If we keep on doing the things we do we might end up regretting in the future if we do get married.

That is why when I attended a weeding I was formed a thought that people who get married are crazy. Two sided crazy perspective. One side of my thought says that people get married to a person who they think was and then in the end will realize it wasn’t the person they wish for. After that the super grand wedding and the super romantic reception and the sweet time of honeymoon they will end p sharing a a bed. The man begins to snore every night and the woman begins to nag and tell her husband the things that happen in the office which the husband doesn’t really care about. Then the morning quarrels begin and then the late not coming home husband thing will follow. Until the time that each of them would have wish that one will day soon. and the butt of jokes will be that they will be a happy widow or widower.

Crazy because after spending sometime they begin to hate each other and yet they don’t have a way to part ways because they are already married or if you live in a country were there is divorce, they can part ways but with some baggage’s like dividing properties, child custody and the like. Crazy people do get married.

On the other hand yes people who get married are crazy in a sense that it is self sacrificing. Yes they get married because they both are head over heels. They spend the honeymoon as if they don’t care to the world as long as they are together. Love blossoms in the house. The man always kiss his wife when he goes out of their house and upon entering their house from work. Occasional and passionate love making, and the responsibilities of each in doing their share in household chores. But time will come that these sweet things in marriage won’t be satisfied.

The husband starts to be late(sometimes we don’t know why is he late again if its work or something else), the wife nags because she is envious of the neighbors who just bought a new car, and the usual stuff. But the crazy thing is that when each one starts to listen and lower oneself. Just letting the other say this and that just to make the marriage intact. Sometimes the wife knew already of his husband’s so called “left turn” or the wife’s constant belittling of her husband. Sometimes they are martyr. Just letting things go and if you ask them why they would just say “because I love him/her”.

But there are truly crazy people who get married. And those are the ones who accepts the person for what he or she is and help there partner to be not the person that they wanted but rather to be the best person that he or she can be. A self sacrifice of caring and understanding. They say that true love is not when a person’s heart starts to throb in a weird manner, it actually starts when one accepts the defects of the person whom they love and help her be the best person that they can be. Crazy because they chose to have the hardships of getting hurt rather than choosing to just be happy on their own merry ways.

As if you are falling in love again. You fall in love not because of the beauty and the handsomeness of the person. Not because of the sweetness and the romance, and the vigor the other can offer but rather you fall in love because you wanted to not because your body urges you.That is a different kind of craziness.

I begin to write this because I myself has begun to fall in love again but to the level of the one just I described. I knew this girl back in college and I noticed her already but just recently I just cant stop myself. It was a crazy thing to do to tell her what I feel specially now that we are miles apart. I know it would made her bewildered why I am doing such things. But that how love works. It made my heart throb in a weird way that I just cant stop myself wanting to talk to her and tell her about it but when I am on the phone I just cant say it. So told her that I will just tell it to her in an email to explain why I am acting weird.

I did. Yet I didn’t get the answer i wanted but she didn’t close the door for me. Love drives people crazy. And crazy that it may seems I think I am acting just like the crazy people I have just mentioned. In case my endeavors with this girl prospers I know you would remind me about this words of mind. Because day I will be crazy asking a girl or maybe this girl to be with me and get married.

The night I wrote the things happening in my head

Can’t sleep.

I decided to just get up from bed and write things that I am currently thinking of. The first thought was about a serious talk between some of my friends at Kerygma Family. I usually attend the Kerygma Feast every Sunday and after the Feast members of the forum who meet and join the Feast eat in the Ortigas area. We were about 10 or something on that day but after lunch some left already due to some errands or appointments or commitments in the afternoon. I was left with Kaye, TJ, Lloyde, and Melhaira. After some strolling in the mall we decided to have coffee and I volunteered for the doughnut.

As usual discussions is about relationship and serious stuff for our age (we are mostly in our 20 something) and some of the complicated and intricate things about human relationships. Thoughts were thrown regarding when or how will one know if truly one says that a relationship is true or genuine and personal opinion regarding having relationship and the obstacles based on our personal experiences. On how we value a person and how we appreciate someone. I admire Melhai in her stories. She is younger than I am but she seems to be that person who has finally overcome the pain in life. She recounts how she was in the past being brat or spoiled until she learns how hard life is and found someone who loves her dearly and married her in spite of her condition. I miss her high pitch tone though it’s irritating. She just talks and talks(and we wonder if she is really sick with that lively mood she is always in) but when she remembers her life she talks seriously and starts to sound logical and give you a perspective of life that is kinda hard to believe. She cries silently while talking. Her tears just flow down her cheeks and then stops and try to put her self back by putting a smile. I miss her and I hope she recovers. We have been praying for her recovery.

We call him “bunso” and we are in awe to this young fellow. TJ is just 21(hope I’m right) and he is a professor in UP Los Banos teaching computer courses. I have never thought that this tech wiz kid knows much more of about religion than I do. He is analytical and he analyzes every arguments. He runs his blog and his topics runs from religion to everything. He has viewpoints you won’t imagine coming from an early age.

Kaye on the other hand is well my group age (hehehe) she is as old as I do and she is that kind of girl whom you can discuss things with. Sometimes serious and sometimes just I don’t know . I always picture her as the girl saying “anak ng tokwa” (son of tofu). At her age I know she has that self confidence to handle the pressures of life. Her doing a man’s job (she’s an architect) and taking up Masters kinda makes her different. One of the things we talked about on that day was being there for your family and one having your own family. She is not worried being alone at this age but what she pointed out was that at certain point we want to have someone to rest our tired and wearied life and just be comfortable with this someone. We talked about cars and how convenient it would be to have a van to accommodate a family to go there and here.

Lloyde was the regular guy….and Kaye would like to call him Manong due to you know….
He shared things that I can’t share here but he has given me a perspective about his sharing….that sometimes things are just it and that no matter what we do it is what it is and no matter how much we wanted to untangle the complications of life it can’t be untangle. What we could do is to wait and see and hope that in the end all will be well…We have the power to chose but there are times in life that no matter how easy and great to choose one path we would rather grab the other……and live its miserable side effects……and the very reason is that it is already there and life is always been this complicated: it is the human nature to let it be. I always remember Lloyde with his gesture when the group part ways…he makes that nod with that funny look….man !!!

Right now I am wondering why I wrote these things. I hope I can meet this guys and the rest of the gang and have that talk we use to have….our topic ranges from the serious side of life to the complications and the funny side of it to the point of always not losing hope in God and that all can be made right and that He always provides us with what we truly need. I wish I can be there on a Sunday Feast in May….or maybe talk and hang out to the Makati group(that is what I saw in the forum that Makati based members see each other) on a Friday over a cup of my favorite cappuccino!!! I hope sis grace anne can be there for with us on that day: that she may have the time to fly from Cebu and just be there on a Friday over a coffee session. Talk about our fuzzy life and share and solve and discuss personal opinions.

Or maybe the overseas members like me are there on a Friday. Maybe Rowin in China, Allan and Kakay in Singapore, Bradz in New Zealand, Reina in Taiwan, Myonee in Dubai, and the rest of the guys in other parts of the world (what’s the name of that guy in the Scandinavia country?) to chat with the other guys there…it will be a grand EB all over again together with the newbies..

I am reminded of Tin who is soon working in NY, Tin C may kambal Julia, the sisteret Aya and Dianne, Mogy, the other guys like the Twins, Aileen, Ching( by the way how are you sis?), Rose, Au, Eric, Ms. July and her Eric, Stanzi, The Girl from Davao, Yumi ko, Cutieara, FTS, Bro Dacs the authority in Catholic dogma, the girl from Laguna(sis Reina what’s her name again?), and all of the guys and gals I have meet personally or through the magic of the web(like Glenda all the way from Middle east) and don’t forget our MJ sis Cha or charity or Jen….bf?(I don’t know why you and kaye cal each other bf)…

I think I have the wrong title for this one…..but nonetheless I need to sleep now because I have to do my Saturday ritual. I hope it doesn’t rain and that I can kick my self up so that I can add another block to may run-jog- walk habit. I think I need to gulp my milk to put me to sleep…its 11:30 now in Guam 9:30 in the Philippines and I don’t know for the rest of the world…Myonee I think its 4:30 in the afternoon there in your area and sis Reina its 9:30 there in Taiwan…because I just know because I know someone there ….

Really need that gulp….

At what cost?

It was a funny experience. After eating dinner at Capricciosa we decided to look at the things sold in ABC store. ABC store is like the 7Eleven of Guam. You can see it almost everywhere. They sell most stuff for visiting tourist like souvenirs, clothes that tells about Guam, and many more.

As we were window showing I came across a shelf were carvings of the early settlers of Guam was show case. They are like the totem or lucky charms that we usually see in some souvenir shops in Baguio. What struck is the name written in the shelf about the carvings representation.

One was for Luck; the other was for Money, one for Strength (I am a bit bewildered why strength is represented by a woman like carving), Happiness, Peace, Longevity, and Love. Thoughts and ideas started to form in my mind. It has been a long time for me since I wrote my blog and a part of me starts kicking to write about this experience.

As I amuse myself about these carvings and while my mind is processing the ideas that came to my mind, I happen to look at the back of the carvings and saw the price for each 2-4 inch carvings: $5.00. Again my mind began to play and scoop out in me something. Then I finally have some concept. How we wish the representations of these carvings can be bought at $5.00.

For the so many longings that we experience I could have bought Love. For my daily dire needs I could have bought Money, for my troubled mind Peace, for the everyday boredom Happiness, and for the enjoying of my fleeting years Longevity. Why is it life is not like that? It could have been so comforting that all the things can be bought in a store (like the ABC store or maybe in a mall like SM). Probably it would be the best commodity to sell and anyone who will be in this business of selling these emotions will be rich in no time. If only Peace could be that affordable I could have bought one for the world.

Sometimes life is so funny that we work hard all our lives and yet end up to nothing. As Brad Pitt said in his movie Meet Joe Black there are only two things certain in this world….Death and Taxes. Tax time is near and I know everyone is all scampering to prepare there tax and doing there best to make their payable tax small. We wanted income and actually we badly needed it to defray our daily needs but on this time of the year we wanted that we never earn that much so that we wouldn’t hand our hard earned money to the Government. We see it as problem seeing that we earn that much.

At what cost are we willing to buy our internal needs? At what means do we do our best to reduce our tax payable? Life goes on and definitely death is certain and tax as well.